Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie
Album - 2 novembre 1998 - Debaser id 10590

I know he’s blood but you can still turn him away you don’t owe him anything

Do you go to the dungeon, to find out how to make peace
with your days in the dungeon
writing a letter to you, didn’t make me feel any more peaceful
than how I felt when we weren’t speaking.
Because I didn’t cope to what I did
I can’t love you ‘cause we’re supposed to have professional boundaries
I’d like you to be schooled and in awe
as though you were kissed by God full on the lips

(I’m too tired to recount the unpleasantries one by one one minute I want to banish you the next I want to be on a deserted island with you along with my three favourite cd’s ambivalent yet in your bed we’ve yet to acknowledge what really happened)

I’m in the front row, the front row, with popcorn
I get to see you, see you, close up

slid into the ditch
I have this overwhelming loss of ambition we said let’s name 30 good reasons
why we shouldn’t be together
I started by saying things like “you smoke”, “you live in New Jersey”
you started saying things like “you belong to the world”
all of which could have been easily refuted
but the conversation was hypothetical I am totally short of breath for you
why can’t you shut your stuff of…

(and I laughed until my lungs hurt I love how you bust my chops you don’t always feel seen sometimes you feel erasable unfortunately I cannot reciprocate in my current state I think we should be careful of how much time we spend together)

I’m in the front row, the front row, with popcorn
I get to see you, see you, close up

for a while I’m speaking
you know how much you hate to be interrupted maybe spend some time alone
fill up your proverbial cup so that it doesn’t always have to be about you
I’ve been wanting your undivided attention, I like the fact that you’re nothing like me
are you not burdened by the lack of
perspective people have of your charmed life (seemingly)?

(you never meant to be ungrateful nor held up to be whipped or wept for certainly not analysed prodded at more ways than one apparently you’ve been misrepresented dealing with the concept of arrows being slung towards your outrageous fortune)

I’m in the front row, the front row, with popcorn
I get to see you, see you, close up

Hey I’m not mad at your guardian
I’m mad at myself for spending so much time with you and your Jackyl and Hydeness
I’m glad I figuratively slapped you on the wrist
you laughed a wicked laugh and said “come here let me clip your wings!”
I know he’s blood but you can still turn him away you don’t owe him anything
“raise the roof” he yelled “yeah, raise your roof!” I yelled back
(unfortunately you needed a health scare, to reprioritize) no thanks to the soap box.
Having me a rile against them won’t make an ounce of difference…

(oh the tings I’ve done for you many a sitch a friend a man’s been left for you oh the books I’ve read for you the tongues I’ve bitten for you many a new city for you many a risk taken for you) (not a single regret)

I’m in the front row, the front row, with popcorn
I get to see you, see you, close up

I've seen them kneel
with baited breath for the ritual
i've watched this experience raise
them to pseudo higher levels
i've watched them leave their families
in pursuit of your nirvana
i've seen them coming to line up
from switzerland and america

how long will this take baba
how long have we been sleeping
do you see me hanging on to
every word you say
how soon will I be holy
how much will this cost guru
how much longer 'til you
completely absolve me

i've seen them give their drugs up
in place of makeshift altars
i've heard them chanting
kali kali frantically
i've heard them rotely repeat your
teachings with elitism
i've seen them boasting robes and
foreign sandalwood beads
i've seen them overlooking god in
their own essence
i've seen their upward glances
in hopes of instant salvation
i've seen their righteousness
mixed without loving compassion
i've watched you smile as
the students bow to kiss your feet

give me strengh all knowing one
how long 'til enlightenment
how much longer 'till you
completely absolve me

How 'bout getting off of these antibiotics
How 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up
How 'bout them transparent dangling carrots
How 'bout that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you, thank you silence

How 'bout me not blaming you for everything
How 'bout me enjoying the moment for once
How 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How 'bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you, thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How 'bout no longer being masochistic
How 'bout remembering your divinity
How 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How 'bout not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you Providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you, thank you silence

are you still mad I kicked you out of bed?
are you still mad I gave you ultimatums?
are you still mad I compared you to all my forty year old male friends?
are you still mad I shared our problems with everybody?
are you still mad I had an emotional affair?
are you still mad I tried to mold you into who I wanted you to be?
are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions?
of course you are
of course you are

are you still mad that I flirted wildly?
are you still mad I had a tendency to mother you?
are you still mad that I had one foot out the door?
are you still mad that we slept together even after we had ended it?
of course you are
of course you are

are you still mad I wore the pants most of the time?
are you still mad that I seemed to focus
only on your potential?
are you still mad that I threw in the towel?
are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?
of course you are
of course you are

I was afraid you'd hit me if I spoken up I was
afraid of your physical strength I was afraid
you'd hit below the belt I was afraid of your sucker
punch I was afraid of your reducing me I was afraid
of your alcohol breath I was afraid of your complete
disregard for me I was afraid of your temper I was
afraid of handles being flown off I was afraid of holes
being punched into walls I was afraid of your
testosterone

I have as much rage as you have
I have as much pain as you do
i've lived as much hell as you have
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you

you were my best friend
you were my lover
you were my mentor
you were my brother
you were my partner
you were my teacher
you were my very own sympathetic character

i was afraid of verbal daggers I was afraid of the
calm before the storm I was afraid for my own
bones I was afraid of your seduction I was afraid
of your coersion I was afraid of your rejection I
was afraid of your intimidation I was afraid of your
punishment I was afraid of your icy silences I was
afraid of your volume I was afraid of your
manipulation I was afraid of your explosions

I have as much rage as you have
I have as much pain as you do
i've lived as much hell as you have
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you

chorus chorus

you were my keeper
you were my anchor
you were my family
you were my saviour
and therein lay the issue
and therein lay the problem

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity

That I would be good whether with or without you

You hadn't seen your father in such a long time
he died in the arms of his lover how dare he
your mother never left the house
she never married anyone else you took it upon yourself to console her

you reminded her so much of your father
so you were banished and you wonder why you're so hypersensitive
and why you can't trust anyone but us
but then how can I begin to forgive her so many years under bridges with dirty water
she was foolish and selfish and cowardly if you ask me

i don't know where to begin in all of my 50 odd years
i have been silently suffering and adapting perpetuating and enduring
who are you younger generation to tell me that i have unresolved problems
not many examples of fruits of this type of excruciating labour

how can you just throw words around like grieve and heal and mourn
i feel fine we may not have been born as awake as you were
it was much harder in those days we had paper routes uphill both ways
we went from school to a job to a wife to instant parenthood

i walked into his office i felt so self-conscious on the couch
he was sitting down across from me he was writing down hypothesis i don't know
i've got a loving supportive wife who doesn't know how involved she should get
you say his interjecting was him just calling me on my shit?

just the other day my sweet daughter i was driving past 203
i walked up the stairs in my mind's eye
i remember how they would creak loudly
she was only responsive with a drink he was only responsive by photo
i was only trying to be the best big brother i could

i've walked sometimes confused sometimes ready to crack open wide
sometimes indignant sometimes raw
can you imagine I pay him 75 dollars an hour sometimes
it feels like highway robbery
and sometimes it's peanuts
i wish it could last a couple more hours

so here we both are battling similiar demons
(not coincidentally)
you see in getting beyond knowing it solely intellectually
you're not relinquishing your majestry
you are wise you are warm you are corageus you are big
and I love you more now than I ever have in my whole life

burn the books they've got too many names and psychoses
all this incriminating evidence would surely haunt me
if someone broke into my house
suits in the living room
do you realize guys I was born in 1974
we've got someone here to explain your publishing
we know how much you love to be in front of audiences
hopeful you are
schoolbound you are
naive you are
driven you are
take a trip to New York with your guardian
and your fake identification
when they said "is there something anything
you'd like o know young lady?"
you said "Yes, I'd like to know what kind of people


I'll be dealing with"
precocious you are
headstrong you are
terrified you are
ahead of your time you are
don't mind our staring but
we're surprised you're not in a far-gone asylum
we're surprised you didn't crack up
lord knows that we would've
we would've liked to have been there
but you keep pushing us away
resilient you are
big time you are
ruthless you are
precious you are

as we were talking outside it was cold
we were shivering yet warmed by the subject matter
my wife is in the next room
we've been having troubles you know please don't tell her or anyone but i need to talk to somebody
you said wouldn't it be a shame if i knew how great i was
five minutes before i died i'd be filled with such regret
before i took my last breath
and I said you're willing to tell me this now and
you're not going to die any time soon
and I said I haven't been eating chicken or meat or anything
and you said yes but you've been wearing leather and
laughed
and said we're at the top of the food chain and yes you're still a fine woman and i cringed

i was hoping i was hoping we could heal each other
i was hoping i was hoping we could be raw together

we left the restaurant where the head waiter (in his 60s) said good-bye sir thank you for your business sir you're successful and
established sir and we like the frequency with which
you dine here sir and your money and when i walked by thank you too dear
I was all pigtails and cords and there was a day when
i would've said something like hey dude I could buy and sell this place so kiss it I too
once thought i was owed something

I was hoping i was hoping we could challenge each other
i was hoping i was hoping we could crack each other up

I too thought that when proved wrong i lost somehow
i too once thought life was cruel
it's a cycle you think i'm withdrawing and guilt tripping you
i think you're insensitive
and i don't feel heard and i said do you believe we are fundamentally judgemental? fundamentally evil?
and you said yes i said i don't believe in revenge in right or wrong good or bad you said
well what about the man that i saw handcuffed in the emergency room bleeding after beating his kid and
she threw a shoe at his head.
i think that what he did was wrong and i would've had a hard time feeling compassion for him
i had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged.

i was hoping i was hoping we could dance together
i was hoping i was hoping we could be creamy together

I am the biggest hypocrite
I've been undeniably jealous
I have been loud and pretentious
I have been utterly threatened
I've gotten candy for my self-interest
the sexy treadmill capitalist
heaven forbid i be criticized
heaven forbid i be ignored

I have abused my power forgive me
you mean we actually we are all one
one one one one one one one
I've been out of reach and separatist
heaven forbid average (whatever average means)
I have compensated for my days
of powerlessness

I have abused my so-called power forgive me
you mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one

did you just call her amazing?
surely we both can't be amazing!
and give up my hard earned status
as fabulous freak of nature?

I have abused my power forgive me
you mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one
always looked good on paper
sounded good in theory

if i make a lot of tinsel then people will want to
if i am hardened no fear of further abandonment
if i am famous then maybe i'll feel good in this skin
if i am cultured my words will somehow garner respect

i would throw a party still it would not come
i would bike run swim and still it would not come
i'd go travelling and still it would not come
i would starve myself and still it would not come

if i am masculine i will be taken more seriously
if i take a break it would make me irresponsible
if i'me elusive i will surely be sought after often
if i need asistance then i must be incapable

i'd be filthy rich and still
it would not come
i would seduce them and still
it would not come
i would drink vodka and still
it would not come
i'd have an orgasm still
it wouldn't come

if i accumulate knowledge
i'll be impenetrable
if i am aloof no one will know
when they strike a nerve
if i keep my mouth shut the boat
will not have to be rocked
if i am vulnerable i will be
trampled upon

i would go shopping and still
it would not come
i'd leave the country and still
it would not come
i would scream and rebel still
it would not come
i would stuff my face and still
it would not come

i'd be productive and still it would not come
i'd be celebrated still it would not come
i'd be the hero and still it would not come
i'd renunciate and still it would not come

Dear Matthew,
I like you a lot.
I realize you’re in a relationship with someone right now
and I respect that
I’d like you to know that if you’re ever single in the future and you want to
Come visit me in California
I would be
Open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were
When you wrote your first song…

Dear Jonathan,
I liked you too much.
I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me
And think solely about themselves and you were
Plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time
I used to say the more tragic the better
The truth is whenever I think of the early 90’s your face comes up
With a vengeance like it was yesterday…

Dear Terrance,
I love you muchly.
You’ve been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive
And nurturing and consummately there for me
I kept drawing you in and pushing you away I remember how beautiful it was to
Fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time, you were the
Best platform from which to jump beyond myself
What was wrong with me?

Dear Marcus,
You rocked my world.
You had a charismatic way about you with the women
And you got me seriously thinking about spirituality
and you wouldn’t let me get away with kicking my own ass
but I could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though
and that stopped us from going any further than we did
and it’s kinda too bad because we could’ve had much more fun

Dear Lou,
We learned so much.
I realize we won’t be able to talk for some time
And I understand that as I do you
The long distance thing was the hardest and we did it as well as we could
We were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives
I will always have your back and be curious about you
About you career, your whereabouts…

You from New York
You are so relevant
You reduce me to cosmic tears

Luminous more so than most anyone
Unapologetically alive
knot in my stomach
And lump in my throat

I love you when you dance
when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
I love you when you dance
when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression

supposed former infatuation junkie
I sink 3-pointers and you wax poetically

I love you when you dance
when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
I love you when you dance
when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression

let's grease the wheel over tea
let's discuss things in confidence
let's be outspoken; let's be ridiculous
let's solve the world's problems

I love you when you dance
when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
I love you when you dance
when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression

So pure...

dear dar(lin') your mom, my friend
left a message on my machine she was frantic
saying you were talking crazy
that you wanted to do away with yourself
i guess she thought i'd be a perfect resort
because we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth
and yes they're in shock they are panicked
you and your chronic them and their drama
you this embarrassment us in the middle of this delusion

if we were our bodies
if we were our futures
if we were our defenses i'd be joining you
if we were our culture
if we were our leaders
if we were our denials i'd be joining you

i remember vividly a day years ago
we were camping you knew more than you thought you should know
you said "I don't ever want to be brainwashed"
and you were mindboggling you were intense
you were uncomfortable in your own skin you were thirsty
but mostly you were beautiful

if we were our nametags
if we were our rejections
if we were our outcomes i'd be joining you
if we were our indignities
if we were our successes
if we were our emotions i'd be joining you

you and i we're like 4 year olds
we want to know why and how come about everything
we want to reveal ourselves at will and speak our minds
and never talk small and be intuitive
and question mightily and find god my tortured beacon
we need to find like-minded companions

if we were their condemnations
if we were their projections
if we were our paranoias i'd be joining you
if we were our incomes
if we were our obsessions
if we were our afflictions i'd be joining you

we need reflection we need a really good memory
feel free to call me a little more often

I wouldn't have compromised as much
so much of myself for fear of
having you hating me
I would've sung so loudly
it would've cracked myself!
I became self-conscious
of anything exuberant
I wouldn't have sold myself short
I wouldn't have kept my eyes
glued to the ground
if I hadn've known my invisibility
would not make a difference
I would've run around screaming proudly
at the top of my voice
I wouldn't have said it was in fact luck
i'm talking idealism here
I would not have been so self depricating
I wouldn't have cowered
for fear of having my eyes crashed out
I woundn't have cut my comfort off
I wouldn't have feigned needlessness
I would not have discredited
every one of their compliments
it was your approval I wanted
your congratulations